shootmesomeday's Xanga

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Sat, 14 Nov 2009 18:24:02 GMT

When there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
One more son
If you can hold on
If you can hold on, hold on

I wanna stand up, I wanna let go
You know, you know - no you don't, you don't
I wanna shine on in the hearts of men
I want a meaning from the back of my broken hand

Another head aches, another heart breaks
I'm so much older than I can take
And my affection, well it comes and goes
I need direction to perfection, no no no no

Help me out
Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out, yeah

And when there's nowhere else to run
Is there room for one more son
These changes ain't changing me
The cold-hearted boy I used to be

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out, yeah.
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier
I got soul, but I'm not a soldier

[Time, Truth, Hearts]

Yeah, you know you got to help me out
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You know you got to help me out, yeah.
You're gonna bring yourself down, yeah.
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, oh don't you put me on the back burner
You're gonna bring yourself down
Yeah, you're gonna bring yourself down

Over and in, last call for sin
While everyone's lost, the battle is won
With all these things that I've done
All these things that I've done
If you can hold on
If you can hold on

Nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 15:37:32 GMT

She smiled in a big way, the way a girl like that smiles
When the world is hers and she held your eyes
Out in the breezeway down by the shore in the lazy summer
And she pulled you in, and she bit your lip, and she made you hers
She looked deep into you as you lay together quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer

But you've already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

And she combed your hair, and she kissed your teeth
And she made you better than you'd been before
She told you bad things you wished you could change in the lazy summer
And she told you, laughing down to her core, so she would not cry as she lay in your lap
She said "nobody here can live forever, quiet in the grasp of dusk and summer"

But you've already lost
When you only had barely enough to hang on

She said, "no one is alone the way you are alone"
And you held her looser than you would have if you ever could have known
Some things tie your life together, slender threads and things to treasure
Days like that should last and last and last

But you've already lost
When you only had barely enough of her to hang on

Saturday, November 07, 2009

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 05:07:27 GMT

There are girls who get everything they want without even asking, then there are girls who nag and get all grumpy and bitchy to get things that they want. Hahahaha naggy bitch!

I miss you isis

Thu, 05 Nov 2009 16:42:23 GMT

"Isis died", never did i ever expect to hear that so soon. Left me in tears the whole night.
I love you my precious, precious little baby, we share the same birthday.

I will never ever forget you Isis, i love you.

13 March 2oo8 - o5 November 2oo9

get me a moonstone.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 02:26:36 GMT

I was here before, wrapped up in frowns, pale lips and nausea. I was here before, alone and scared, and i am here all over again, scared but ten times lonelier. I'll go through the same procedure again, this time with confident strides and hope for visual compensation because all i yearn for now is proof that it was actually all just in my head. This morning after my dad fastened the opal around my neck, i walked slow and unsuspiciously back into my room to dry my saline, tears which no one ever sees. Surprisingly when i came back out he asked me why i was crying, i just smiled and said i had dust in my eyes. I cannot put my guard down or i'll get taken advantage of. My dad has seen through me, i felt like punching him, i don't know why though. I never know anything anyway. So mom and i are back to square one again, enemies under the same roof.

This morning, i peered down and told the cab driver that his cab smelled like fuck, then slammed the door and walked off. Where is this angst coming from? I don't want to go back.

Doing research

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 16:00:03 GMT

Is it just me or do trains seem to move faster at night. Because i shut my eyes and even before i get to open, i'm already at my destination.

Anyway things have been rough. The flu is horrible, asthmatic cough too. School is crazy.
I've registered for my examinations already but i guess my attendance will kinda fuck my grades up.
I wish i had more discipline in every sense, my school work, my food consumption, the sit ups.

post colonialism, post colonialism, post colonialism.

just kill me!!!!

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:50:05 GMT

I really feel like smashing my head against these white walls, everything surrounding me is white. The skylight studio is supposed to be the most conducive place to do my work, or rather white walls are meant as a mean of therapeutic guidance?

When life gives you lemons, you make lemonade.
But sometimes you just want to throw them at the face of the person who gave it to you.

I'm just shaking my leg as i watch the amount of homework pile up, i can't even see behind it now. I don't have any materials to do any work now. What the fuck???????????????? My brain is like a rotten piece of jelly just that i can't throw it out. And my fucking stomach is a huge distraction, please tell my stomach to shut up.

Seriously, i really want to smash my head. First period, i had digital art. I can smell a F on this one. However i can't say i'm trying really hard about it. I don't really pay attention in digi art class and it's not like i know a whole lot about it either. Had art history in the afternoon and we watched our classmates present and ended one and a half hour earlier than usual...........................................

Now cute. Slightly more than 2 hours has passed and i'm still waiting for that one fucking phone call from my boyfriend so i can leave this place. His phone died. I don't know where the hell he is or what the hell he's doing and i'm not the least keen on waiting another second, but i will, give me 10 more minutes and i'll go home.

What a fucking unproductive day.

Thursday, October 22, 2009

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 04:02:25 GMT

3 down, alot more to go. Pull up my socks and buckle up. I think i'm ready for this.

bona fide

Sat, 17 Oct 2009 04:25:55 GMT

to be genuine.

it is not perfect. it is flawed. it is not always pretty. it is beautiful. possibly quirky. especially true. certainly lovely. it is effortless and natural. it is concerned with that which truly matters. it is honest. it is attractive. wildly inspiring. it is not shallow. it is transparent. it is raw. it is courageous and wise. it is diverse. it is excellent. it does not always win. it is not always acknowledged. it is not always understood. it takes times to appreciate. it provides a new perspective. it points to god.

i fear i might not have been genuine most of my life.

during my brief years in this flesh, i've gradually discovered an eye for the genuine. i can find it in a song. in a movie. in a sculpture. in a book. in a life. sadly, in this time of discovery i've also found that, up to this point, little of what i've created or who i am has been genuine. and my heart breaks.

i feel as though i've been on the edge of breaking for most of my life.

and i find it far more exhausting than the moment of brokenness. my walk, my life, seems more like a balancing act on the edge of the cliff of brokeness. what the hell am i holding on to? i've put my entire being into something. i've jumped without hesitation. always flying without a safety net. and it's exhausting. it's draining my whole being.

i think i've tricked myself into believing i know what i want or need for most of my life.

but i don't. i never have. and i just need to pound it into my head that i'm just about always wrong. i have no idea what i want in this life. so how could i romotely know what i need? exactly.

this year isn't what i'd planned. it 's been hard. i feel stretched in a thousand directions. i feel exhausted. my mind is weary from ceaseless speculation and wonder. but there's food in my stomach. and i'm surrounded by people that i love. what else could i possibly ask for? there are countless blessings awaiting each of us throughout our lives, but none could be more precious and overlooked than the breath in our chests and the bros or hoes beside us. cherish your breaths. cherish those written into your life.

the genuine life is but breaths and love. the rest is just accessory.

i want to live with the people that i love. i want to see all that i can see. i want to create. i want to be loved. i want to discover and become the man i was created to be. i want to live in harmony with my creator and the creation given me. i want to enjoy my work as i put my all into it. i want to experience live music all my days. i want a family of my own. a husband and children perhaps. and a big dog. i dont want to live in fear. i want a true faith. i want to be wise. i want to know scripture. i want to make a difference in this life. i want to be courageous, humble and broken. i want to be joyful. i want my story to come full circle. i want to feel ready before i take my last breath.

but that which i need has been placed in the path before me. whatever that may be.

to be genuine.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Mon, 12 Oct 2009 16:56:40 GMT